How to handle conflict around sex

If you’ve ever been in a sexual relationship,
you’ve probably experienced conflict around sex
at some point or another.
Sexual needs may change
It’s very common for couples to experience
sexual tension, which can become an all-
consuming problem that filters into all other
areas of a relationship. Suddenly, it’s not
merely the sex that’s a problem, but the
relationship as a whole.
Sexual conflict can result from various factors.
Some couples may, for example, experience
conflict around the frequency of sex. Sexual
needs may change after the birth of a child or
one partner may simply prefer to have more
sexual action than the other.
This can create tension which can, in most cases,
be resolved.
Others may experience a more intense issue,
such as the pushing of sexual boundaries. For
instance, the partners may have different ideas
of what might be sexually acceptable. In an
extreme situation, where one party would like to
enter into an open relationship and the other
party isn’t open to the suggestion, for example,
the issue may create intense, unresolvable
conflict.
To resolve sexual conflict effectively, the specific
issue that causes the problem must always be
addressed. The good news is that open
communication about intimacy can improve your
relationship and take it to an exciting, new,
level of mutual respect.
Let’s talk about sex
In a healthy relationship, sex should be a loving
and caring act that binds partners together. It
shouldn’t destroy the relationship. As soon as
sex starts to destroy a relationship,
communication is needed to discuss what’s
creating the stress.
In all situations, sexual dynamics and issues
should be openly discussed within the
relationship. The less tension or discomfort
there is around sex, the smaller the chance that
sexual tension will arise.
For many people, sex can be one of the most
uncomfortable subjects to discuss. It’s important
to be understanding and non-judgmental about
what your partner wants and expects. Prepare
yourself to listen with compassion and to be
understanding.
Communication should be the start of resolving
sexual problems, but it should be balanced with
attempting to remain intimate.
This balancing act is important, as sexual
dilemmas can sometimes be over-discussed. In
fact, it can create such awkwardness that it
becomes an obstacle to couples wanting to have
sex again or being intimate with each other.
Difficult issues
Unfortunately, some issues can be very difficult
to resolve and intense sexual tension may result
in a separation. Examples of typical issues
include:
Struggling with a sexless marriage
Having different views on sexual practices such
as opening up the relationship to a third party,
swinging or having group sex
Having different views on entering into a
sadomasochistic relationship
In these situations, it’s important for
communication to include the moral position of
both individuals, as these sexual activities or
non-activities may be closely linked to the
individuals’ morals and belief systems, which
should be respected.
To challenge a partner’s moral stance often leads
to the realisation that the two individuals aren’t
well suited and that they don’t have the same
ideas regarding relationships or how to live their
lives.
In attempting to resolve this kind of conflict,
it’s important to try to see things from your
partner’s perspective. Try and understand your
partner’s needs and wishes while staying in
touch with your own moral position.
Strategies for dealing with conflict
Are you experiencing sexual conflict in your
relationship?
Consider these conflict-resolution strategies
from The Magic of Conflict by Thomas F. Crum
(Touchstone):
1. Avoiding. You can decide to avoid the
conflict and try to see if the sexual problem is
resolved without giving it much attention. This
can be effective when the issue is relatively
unimportant and where the risk of surfacing it
outweighs the benefit of resolving it. This
strategy can only be used when sexual conflict is
a minor issue – for example, where a partner
feels tired for a week or so and doesn’t have the
energy to have sex. In other words, it’s not
necessary to enter into a conflict situation about
a temporary issue that will resolve itself. Here
avoidance is a good option.
2. Accommodating. You can choose to be
accommodating if you feel you can live with your
partner’s sexual needs. For example, if your
partner has a higher libido, and would like to be
intimate three or four times a week, while you
prefer to be intimate twice a week, you can
evaluate if you can live with his or her need for
sex, and accommodate it. Being accommodating
can be useful when the issue is far more
important to your partner than to you. However
it isn’t appropriate when your input and/or
commitment is required and you can’t give it.
3. Forcing. Forcing your view can be a good
strategy when quick, decisive action is called
for. Alternatively, you may have to implement
an unpopular decision, but only if commitment
isn’t needed. For instance, when you feel
strongly about a sexual issue, e.g. not entering
into a certain sexual act that you’re
uncomfortable with, forcing your view would be a
good strategy to resolve the conflict.
4. Compromising. This makes both
parties feel that their needs are met, which is
important in terms of maintaining a healthy
relationship. With compromising comes effective
communication, where you and your partner talk
about your sexual relationship and find a
compromise on your sexual differences, opinions
and thoughts. Although giving everyone some of
what they want isn’t likely to lead to a
satisfactory outcome, compromising can work
when the goals are mutually exclusive, e.g.
remaining in the relationship and having a
healthy sexual relationship.
5. Collaborating. When it comes to really
sorting out sexual problems in a relationship,
collaboration is very important. Don’t just sweep
sexual issues and your feelings under the rug –
be open and honest about how you feel. When
time isn’t an issue and the relationship is
important to you, collaborating is a good idea –
working through difficult feelings and different
perspectives can lead to a much better solution
and a stronger commitment to that solution.
Get help
If your relationship is in sexual trouble, it’s
best to see a therapist specialising in couples
therapy and sexual functioning sooner rather
than later. The therapist can facilitate the
communication process. Sources used:
Crum, T.F. (1998). The Magic of Conflict.
New York: Touchstone.
Psychotherapist Dr Tanya Marie Robinson.
B.A. (SW) (US) (Cum Laude), M.S.D.
(UP) (Cum Laude), N.E.C. (UNISA),
A.H.S. (UNISA), D.Phil. (US), Ph.D.
(NWU) (Pr.0154326).